This Is How It Always Is

Author: Laurie Frankel

One-sentence summary: A couple with 5 boys discovers that their youngest child is more comfortable being a girl, and their entire family has to deal with the trials and triumphs associated with that.

B.A.D. Girls Book Rating: 8

Our favorite thing about it: The very interesting way the author let you “peek in” on a family dealing with a transgender child and all that encompasses.

Our least favorite thing about it: Some of us found the Grumwald fairy tale very annoying! And also certain aspects of Penn and Rosie.

Main Topics of Discussion: Parents and Children, Family Dynamics, Transgender issues in society, the Role of Culture, Fear of “Other”, Either/Or/Both

Our favorite quote: “You tell your story. That is what we all must do.” “That’s not magic,” said Grumwald. “Of course it is,” said the witch. “Story is the best magic there is.”

Notes: There are two notable things about our particular discussion of this book:

1) We had some widely varying opinions on the same things in the book

2) We had a LOT to say about this book.

Overall we all really liked the book and were fascinated and empathized with the challenges Rosie and Penn faced in their unique parenting situations. We felt it was such an interesting topic to explore and very timely for our culture right now. As parents, we appreciated reading the book through the perspectives of the two main characters – who were speaking as parents. Some of the things we discussed:

As mentioned above, some of us really did not like the story-telling and fairy tale that Penn made up throughout the book. Some of us thought it was cheesy. Interestingly, almost all of us were confused as to the real meaning of the fairy tale at various points. That was universal. Some of us thought that it was a great metaphor for life and appreciated the symbolism of story.

Sometimes Penn and Rosie were annoying, but we couldn’t quite point to why. We mostly liked them and definitely identified with them as parents. But maybe they were a little too perfect?

Seemingly in contrast, we sometimes had a hard time identifying with the family. Again, maybe they were a little too perfect. We did acknowledge that sometimes families have to choose certain kids to focus on and make major decisions about – like Rosie and Penn had to do for Poppy – but we still didn’t like where that left the other children.

As specific as some of the scenarios were that the author presented as you moved through the narrative, the ending was almost irritatingly ambiguous. We got very little of what it would mean for Poppy in the future and how exactly they would tackle things to come. However (and that’s a big however), we DO acknowledge that that was sort of the point. They were going to be okay with the unknown and living in the middle for Poppy. And also, they would tackle things as they came.

Some of the themes we discussed: story, secrets, fear

Dr. Tongo was also an annoying character to us. We could appreciate that the author was trying to show someone who, like a child, was simply not bothered by many of the intense issues that Penn and Rosie brought to him to discuss because he was fully accepting of all genders and types. BUT, he came across really flippant at times and dismissive of the real and tangible suffering that Poppy and her parents were having to endure. Many times he spoke the truth into the situation and it’s what they needed to hear, but when he calls difficulties “joys,” it also comes across as annoying.

This was not listed as our favorite quote because it was actually in the author’s notes at the end, but when she says that what the world needs is a “wider range of normal.” We felt like that perfectly summed up the way we feel about all of this.

Memorable Meeting Moments: We had our meeting outside by Christina’s new pool!

What We Ate: Moscow Mules and White Sangria, Crackers and Cheese Dips, Cucumbers with tomatoes and cheese/ranch topping - all for appetizers. For our main course we had grilled steaks with herbed butter, loaded baked potatoes (also with herb butter!), and sautéed zucchini and yellow squash. For dessert we had blueberries and strawberries with whipped cream.